… was my reaction after my friend asked how my dates went last week…they didn’t.
I was supposed to have two first dates,
on two different days,
with two different men,
and they both cancelled on me.
Tinder me this.
Tinder me that.
Tindering is what singles (hopefully) do now when they are bored on the bus, waiting in line at Chipotle, and or just watching TV. Actually, some girlfriends and I were tindering together one day, and we starting noticing some common trends among the men’s Tinder accounts. Here are some helpful pointers, if you want women to not immediately swipe left that is.
Here are some helpful “Don’ts”:
1: You think you’re being original with, “I just want to cuddle/snuggle”? Sorry to break the news to you, but its not. We all know it’s the new, “want to come over to watch a movie?”…we’re not dumb.
2: For god’s sake, put your shirt back on! I don’t care if you have a six pack that makes me drool, put it away (ok, you can leave one picture of you shirtless, that’s acceptable).
3: I’m glad that you know tons of girls, really I am. That’s what you were trying to say with having them in each one of your pictures, right? Your modesty is apparent…
4: Pictures of you kissing your wife in her wedding dress or you kissing with your girlfriend….I, uh, yeah, I’m just going to leave this one alone.
5: Male selfies… Ok, you’re allowed one, but no more.
6: Don’t let all of your pictures be of you in a group. Seriously, I don’t know which one you are!
7: Also don’t let all of your pictures be of you by yourself…it’s nice to know that you have friends and that you’re not a serial killer…because serial killers don’t have friends, right?
8: In your “about section”, keep it funny or intelligent. We beg of you, please don’t say anything that makes me want to reply with…
9: Which brings me to my next point, gym pics…For serious, you lift bro? I couldn’t tell from your five other shirtless pictures. (please see point #2).
10: If there is a child in your picture, you best define your relationship to that child…quickly, because we will always assume the worst.
11. Dick pics…
12: What is up with the pictures of you as a child. If I find your other pictures attractive, it makes me feel a little creepy when I see that one.
13. Phones have reverse cameras on them, so there is no need for a mirror picture. I can’t handle it.
14. I’m so glad that you have a picture of you and Chris Brown up on your profile, it just makes my choice to swipe left that much easier.
15. Swag pics, please put them in the recycle bin along with pictures of your car, motorcycle, and landscapes pictures that you aren’t in.
16. If all of your pictures are of you on your webcam, what you are really saying is that you don’t know what the outside world looks like.
17. When you are in sunglasses in all of your pictures, I become convinced that you are one of the X-men and that you have laser beams for eye balls.
18. Turtlenecks, no. They will always remind me of this guy…
19. If a cartoon character is your main picture, not going to lie, I am going to be a little concerned about your mental state.
20. “Dropping jaws since 1988”…