Not Everyone Is Beautiful

“You are valuable.”

Mindless Productivity

Every two or three days, I see an article or blog post or forwarded inspirational quote about beauty. It’s usually something affirming like

“You are beautiful, whether you know it or not.”

“We are all beautiful.”

“Everyone is beautiful to somebody.”

It’s cheerful stuff. It builds the self-esteem, makes people feel valued, and spreads joy and happiness across the internet.

It’s also bullshit.

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And you know it’s bullshit, because you really wanted to laugh at that picture.

Everyone is not beautiful. Some people have tumors the size of a second head growing out of their ears. Some people have skin like the Michelin man. Some people lose fingers, legs, or eyes in horrific assembly-line machine accidents. People have warts and blemishes and hair loss and dead teeth and lazy eyes and cleft palates and third nipples and unibrows.

There are plenty of people that are not physically appealing to look at, the…

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#FirstWorldProblems

Let’s be honest here, this blog is nothing but a series of #FirstWorldProblems. This is a fact that I openly acknowledge, and embrace. I share my daily “struggles” with you because I find them amusing and I hope that you do too.

A friend shared this video with me earlier today. I felt it was appropriate to share it with you on this blog because well, some “pay it” forward positive karma never hurt anyone, right?

Well Excuse Me For WALKING…

My building is full of long hallways, the kind that make passing people really awkward. Once you finally pass them, it normally involves some sort of small talk or greetings. Generally I can avoid this by looking at the ground and walking quickly. But today I was looking dead ahead…

As I passed one of our officers (someone I’m pretty sure I’ve never spoken to) he says to me, “Oh man, don’t mess with the Madame. “

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I literally stopped mid-step and just looked at him…

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The only thing that I could think to say in response was, “Yes, that is exactly the reputation that I want amongst the officers. Go tell all of your friends.”

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What just happened? Guess I must have had left my “Resting Bitch Face” on again…?

I May Or May Not Be Easily Amuse…Butterfly?

It’s a Monday, and I’ve been in a super weird mood all day. Pretty sure it had something to do with the bizarre dream I had last night…I don’t why I haven’t learned to not watch shows like “Dexter”, right before bed. Anyways, I’ve only managed to complete one task today, and that’s because I let the copy machine do all of the work. What is it that I have managed to accomplish?

They go as follows:

  • Draw pictures on sticky notes, and plaster them all over other people’s computers. (They were all works of art. They should frame them, maybe they’ll be worth money someday)
  • playfully attach a lock to someone’s back pack, and only wonder if they know the combination after I shut the lock. (I’m awesome at flirting, or I would be if I was in 4th grade)
  • Refill my water bottle 7 times (Which also meant I escaped to the Ladies room several times, whoops)
  • Read and reread the directions for my new Pre-work out 50 times and wonder if it is going to make my heart explode (But seriously, I’m still terrified)
  • Think about food and wonder if the cute trainer is going to be at the gym today (He’s so dreamy)

Then I went on a search for office supplies, sticky notes to be exact. Wonder why I was running low on those?…And I discovered that the door on the supply closet squeaks. Now remember, I’m in a super weird mood and my bosses’ door is right in front of the supply closet…

Me: *giggles while repeatedly opening and shutting the squeaky door*

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 Boss #3: “Only you would find the humor in a squeaky door, weirdo.”

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He knows me so well, and accepts me for who I am. 

Girl, you crazy

Overanalyzing things…tis the death of logic

tyannasaurusrex

crazy-girl-YouTubeAfter having a much needed girl date with one of my gal pals the other night, I finally realized why men think woman are crazy. BECAUSE WE ARE. Granted, some more than others, but we all have a little crazy buried deep down inside of our psyches. Relax… [take a sip of wine] I’m not saying we are certified crazy and need to be committed to a mental institution, capiche? Just hear me out…

I just noticed that when girls get together and start analyzing their relationships with men, things always go down hill and more wine is consumed than originally planned. But WHY?! Because we were born with two X chromosomes, that’s why!

Typically the conversation always begins with ‘how are things going with [insert-recent-hook-up’s-name-here]?‘ or ‘OMG! Do you remember that guy from way back when that I totally went out with?‘. This is when…

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My Life Would Be a Whole Lot Easier If I Could Just “Chelsea Proof” It…

Guess who just managed to squirt lotion all over her black skirt…

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Great. I know, now I look like a super “classy” lady.

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Hmmmm, I wonder if I color it in with a black sharpie, if anyone would notice?

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Ok, or maybe I’ll just won’t leave my desk for the rest of the day…